1. NAMES:
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will
call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer
to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
2. EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in
a $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have
anything smaller and none will actually admit they want the change
back.
When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
3. MONEY:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
4. BATHROOMS:
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
5. ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
6. CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
7. FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
8. SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
9. MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
10. DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go 4 shopping, to water the plants, empty
the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and read the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
11. NATURAL:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
12. OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods,
secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
13. FINAL THOUGHT:
Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
February 18, 2008
T-Shirts You'd Hate to See on Your Daughter's Boyfriend
"I like long walks on the beach...after anal."
"Virginity is for losers."
"Ass. The other vagina." 
Practicle jokes
Don and the Mysterious Locked Suitcase
One time at church camp I had a roommate named Don who was very private and security-conscious. He always locked his suitcase and kept the key on a chain around his neck. Of course, this caused my fellow roommates and I to be even more determined to get in his suitcase.
Late one afternoon before dinner, he went to take a shower. We tried jimmying the lock to no avail. We eventually came up with the idea of taking the key chain from the hook in the little drying-off area outside the individual showers.
We raced back to the room with the key and unlocked the suitcase. We didn’t mess up anything or take anything, except to take out his camera. Stripped down to our underwear, we took pictures of each other with his camera, put the camera back in the suitcase, locked it up, the returned the key chain back to the hook. In Don’s thinking, nothing ever happened.
That fall we had a reunion, and Don thanked us for the extra pictures.
Punk-Rocker Surprise
My brother Dan went to the University of Michigan, just about an hour from my parent’s home. I was five hours away at Miami University in Ohio. I arranged to pick up Dan and surprise our parents. I also brought along some props to make it an even bigger surprise.
We got home and came into the house. I put on a multicolored punk-rock wig and some gold wraparound glasses. We came into the house, and Dan called out, “Hi, Mom, I’m home.”
My mom called out that she was back in her bedroom. Dan went back there, and I was a bit behind in the hallway. Dan said, “Hi, Mom, I just wanted to surprise you for the weekend.”
My mom said, “Oh, Dan, it’s so great to see you.”
“I brought a friend with me from my fraternity,” he said as I came in the room. “Mom, this is John.”
“Hi, John, it’s nice to meet you.”
It was then that I pulled off the sunglasses and wig to her total surprise. We all got a good laugh
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)