November 15, 2008

The Perfect Man-men vs women

THE PERFECT MAN IS GENTLENEVER CRUEL OR MEANHE HAS A BEAUTIFUL SMILEAND KEEPS HIS FACE SO CLEAN.THE PERFECT MAN LIKES CHILDRENAND WILL RAISE THEM BY YOUR SIDEHE WILL BE A GOOD FATHERAS WELL AS A GOOD HUSBAND TO HIS BRIDE.THE PERFECT MAN LOVES COOKINGCLEANING AND VACUUMING TOOHE'LL DO ANYTHING IN HIS POWERTO CONVEY HIS FEELINGS OF LOVE ON TO YOUTHE PERFECT MAN IS SWEETWRITING POETRY FROM YOUR NAMEHE'S A BEST FRIEND TO YOUR MOTHERAND KISSES AWAY YOUR PAIN.HE NEVER HAS MADE YOU CRYOR BATTERED YOU IN ANY WAYTO HELL WITH THIS ENDLESS POEM....THE PERFECT MAN IS GAY.

CAN U DO THAT


Intelligent Design

HARRISBURG, Pa.-In what is sure to be the biggest courtroom clash since the last one, a class action suit had been filed in federal court against the Dover Area School Board for not allowing the teaching of Intelligent Design in school science classes. The twist? This time, it's the monkeys themselves bringing the suit.
In a startling and unprecedented move, several Bornean Orangutans from the Pittsburgh zoo have sued the school district, insisting that Intelligent Design not only be taught in science classes but the theory of evolution be stricken from textbooks
These Orangutans, or Pongo pygmaeus, are offended by the idea that they are related to people, and think Intelligent Design is the best alternative out there.
One of the plaintiffs, Cuddles, explained her position through a sign language interpreter: "That apes and humans descended from a common ancestor is just a disgusting thought. I'm appalled, frankly. I mean, look at you. Massive poverty, genocide, suffering, violence. Look how you treat your kind. People are horrible, horrible creatures."
She continued, "Have you seen some of the porn on your internet? I can't believe humans pee on each other. And don't get me started on the Tuesday night lineup on ABC. Only true barbarians would keep According to Jim on the air. That I'm related to people in any way should be rejected on face value, let alone be taught in science classes."
The details of the apes' replacement theory are still ambiguous. One version of Intelligent Design posits elements of nature are so complex that they must have been created by a higher force. Among some of the more controversial elements of the ape theory include the idea that this "intelligent designer" of the entire universe is actually a 50 foot tall super smart ape similar to King Kong.
Attorneys representing the school board have questioned the true motives of the apes. In a written statement, school board lawyers claimed the suit was just a cheap parlor trick to manipulate the public and avoid the fact that humans and apes are related through evolution.
But the primates remain undeterred. Bubba, another plaintiff in the suit, has similar thoughts- "Man did not come from apes. Gorillas, bonobos, chimpanzees, gibbons, we're all united. I mean, have you seen the contestants on American Idol? Ugh. You humans are just awful. Unlike evolution, Intelligent Design makes the case we're not associated with you at all!"
A U.S. Supreme Court ruling in 1987 decried schools could not require creationism to balance the teaching of evolution. This new lawsuit brought on by the apes may eventually make it up to the conservative justices recently appointed by president George W. Bush. As a result the ruling may be different.
Bush even weighed in on the teaching of the possibility that a super intelligent, furry orangutan created the universe. "I think that part of education is to expose people to different schools of thought," Bush said. "You're asking me whether or not people ought to be exposed to different ideas, the answer is yes."

Fwips News Service is America's source for fake news, commentary and humor from the heart of the Rocky Mountains. Award-winning, hard-hitting and fiercely original comedy from the Mile High City. Visit us if you prefer to receive knowledge and enlightenment without the normal work involved!
We view the world from a slightly off-kilter cosmic prism glass, and that suits us just fine. We're Newsweek on crack, USA Today on Prozac, The New York Times as written by Larry David's slightly medicated cousin.
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November 9, 2008

If Microsoft makes cars....

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At COMDEX recently, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. Oh yeah, and last but not least . . . you'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off!

August 28, 2008

Unspoken feelings!!!

I feel so bad abt wat had happened n I regret for wat I could not do in past. I am so helpless abt the things which are happening in present, I am not able to do anything at all. All is happening in front of me n I am so helpless. Why is all happening ? Till when will it happen? Who'll come to help me ? OHH!!! all these questions are coming in my mind everytime everywhere. I cant be quite for a sec . I feel like time is running out of my hands n em just lookin it pass me by.

Wat will happen in the future ? Will it be the same that had happened in the past n wats happening right now. Oh!! em so scared of life. Is life all these stuffs ? Isnt there a way to be happy in life? Love was like a dream which just showed off then gone far away , it went so far that I couln't even see its shadow. Its just gone away from me so far so much far that now em alone. So lonely that I cant see anybody miles away. The silence is so scary, its pin drop silence out here. I wanna scream loud ,cry hard but wat worth of it as I know there is nobody to help, to talk n to be with me.So now I live alone N I'm tryin to forget evrythn that happened in my life . N see Its my life.

cat or lion??

July 6, 2008

Good story.....Touching Heart

An 80 year old man was sitting on the sofa in his house along with his 45 years old highly educated son. Suddenly a crow perched on their window.

The Father asked his Son, “What is this?”

The Son replied “It is a crow”.

After a few minutes, the Father asked his Son the 2nd time, “What is this?”

The Son said “Father, I have just now told you “It’s a crow”.

After a little while, the old Father again asked his Son the 3rd time,

What is this?”

At this time some ex-pression of irritation was felt in the Son’s tone when he said to his Father with a rebuff. “It’s a crow, a crow”.

A little after, the Father again asked his Son t he 4th time, “What is this?”

This time the Son shouted at his Father, “Why do you keep asking me the same question again and again, although I have told you so many times ‘IT IS A CROW’. Are you not able to understand this?”

A little later the Father went to his room and came back with an old tattered diary, which he had maintained since his Son was born. On opening a page, he asked his Son to read that page. When the son read it, the following words were written in the diary :-

“Today my little son aged three was sitting with me on the sofa, when a crow was sitting on the window. My Son asked me 23 times what it was, and I replied to him all 23 times that it was a Crow. I hugged him lovingly each time h e asked me the same question again and again for 23 times. I did not at all feel irritated I rather felt affection for my innocent child”.

While the little child asked him 23 times “What is this”, the Father had felt no irritation in replying to the same question all 23 times and when today the Father asked his Son the same question just 4 times, the Son felt irritated and annoyed.

So..

If your parents attain old age, do not repulse them or look at them as a burden, but speak to them a gracious word, be cool, obedient, humble and kind to them. Be considerate to your parents.From today say this aloud, “I want to see my parents happy forever. They have cared for me ever since I was a little child. They have always showered their selfless love on me.

They crossed all mountains and valleys without seeing the storm and heat to make me a person presentable in the society today”.

Say a prayer to God, “I will serve my old parents in the BEST way. I will say all good and kind words to my dear parents, no matter how they behave.

June 23, 2008

Incredible Hand Paintings









socialization and your cat

Socialization and Your CatSocialization is the act of teaching a cat how to be a social animal. Cats who are extremely aloof, who don't have any desire for human or feline contact, or who hiss,scratch or bite anyone who gets near them are considered ill-socialized animals (ferals are classic examples of ill-socialized cats). Socialization teaches a cat important life lessons in the following ways:

- Learning coordination and balance
- Learning to fight and attack prey
- Learning acceptance of humans and other cats
- Learning to be outgoing, calm and comfortable with humans and/or other cats
- Learning how to properly interact with humans and other cats
- Learning not to bite or scratch their owners
- Learning acceptable social skills
- Stimulating intellectual growth

A kitten first learns social skills from his/her mother and littermates around the 8th week of life. It is during the 8th through 12th week that mothers and kittens will start 'playing' and thus learning the social skills they will carry through life. It is at this time that a kitten should stay with his/her mother and litter, and the kittens should have a good deal of human contact as well. Many owners adopt kittens too early (between the 8th and 10th week) and many of these owners find that their new pet isn't as well socialized or behaved as they would like. They also find that if they want a well socialized animal they now have the responsibility of teaching the kitten what the mother didn't get a chance to finish. Be wary of any pet store or breeder that is willing to sell you a kitten before the 12th week. Many kittens at shelters are strays that are found abandoned by the mother or owner and may be under 12 weeks. Remember these kittens are adoptable and are in great need of your help, but be aware that you may need to do a little extra work with them by being a surrogate mom for a little while.

As an adult, a cat still needs to play to keep these skills honed and to keep them mentally and physically active. So even if you adopt a well socialized kitten, if you ignore, pay no attention to, don't play with, or don't spend enough time with your cat he/she may revert to anti-social behaviors. Also if you adopt an older cat who is a stray, feral, or simply not well socialized you may find that you need to completely socialize the cat before he/she acts like a 'pet'. Socializing an animal takes time and patience but is extremely rewarding! Cats, especially ferals, who you socialize yourself usually develop an extremely close bond with you.

You can socialize a cat by playing with your cat for at least 2 hours a day and by providing your cat with enough toys and fun items so that he/she can play alone as well. Your cat needs to play for many reasons so make sure you allow your cat to release his or her aggressive energies in a good way. You will also want to spend a lot of time with your cat petting, touching, holding and talking to your cat. And always take it slow, only go so far as your cat will let you. Never push the cat or try to do more than your cat will allow. If your cat doesn't want contact you can still sit in the same room and just talk to your cat, this helps your cat get used to your presence and voice as well as helping your cat to learn to trust you. Eventually your cat will learn to trust you and realize that a relationship with a human isn't so bad!

One of the most common problems owners have with ill-socialized cats is that these cats play too rough and don't know any better than to bite and scratch the owner to get what they want. It isn't that the cat dislikes you so to speak, just that the cat was never taught the rules of playtime or that biting and scratching aren't appropriate actions to take with humans or other cats. In such a case you may need to retrain your cat that biting and scratching isn't part of play time. To do this simply stop playing when the cat scratches or bites. Firmly say 'no', hand your cat a toy mousey, and stop playing. Also make sure that when your cat is playing nice (has the claws in, isn't biting) that you praise your cat A LOT. Make sure to also provide your cat with enough toys and play things for him/her to take out their aggressions on. And when you see your cat taking all of his/her aggressions out on that toy mouse... give praise. Eventually your cat will realize that you can play hard with toys but you can't do that with people.

May 31, 2008

things to know about cell phones

Mobile phone tips.
I received this information from my friend and I thought it should be a useful to share it with you.

There are a few things that can be done in times of grave emergencies. Your mobile phone can actually be a life saver or an emergency tool for survival. Check out the things that you can do with it:

#1 - Emergency

The Emergency Number worldwide for Mobile is 112. If you find yourself out of the coverage area of your mobile; network and there is an emergency, dial 112 and the mobile will search any existing network to establish the emergency number for you, and interestingly this number 112 can be dialed even if the keypad is locked. Try it out.

#2 - Have you locked your keys in the car?

Does your car have remote keyless entry? This may come in handy someday. Good reason to own a cell phone: If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home, call someone at home on their mobile phone from your cell phone.

Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the mobile phone on their end. Your car will unlock. Saves someone from having to drive your keys to you. Distance is no object. You could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other “remote” for your car, you can unlock the doors (or the trunk).

Editor’s Note: It works fine! We tried it out and it unlocked our car over a mobile phone. You should try it on your car first.

#3 - Hidden Battery Power

Imagine your mobile battery is very low. To activate, press the keys *3370#. Your mobile will restart with this reserve and the instrument will show a 50% increase in battery. This reserve will get charged when you charge your mobile next time.

#4 - How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone?

To check your Mobile phone’s serial number, key in the following digits on your phone: *#06#

A 15 digit code will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your handset. Write it down and keep it somewhere safe. When your phone get stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them this code.

They will then be able to block your handset so even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless. You probably won’t get your phone back, but at least you know that whoever stole it can’t use/sell it either. If everybody does this, there would be no point in people stealing mobile phones.

This is the kind of information people don’t mind receiving, so pass it on to your family and friends.

To Your Millionaire Success

made from old watch parts

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May 17, 2008

Engineer Boyfriend

Secure lifestyle

An engineer boyfriend can provide you with a secure lifestyle. At 27 years old, an engineer probably has a respectable, stable job
that gives him high income to own a car, invest, have a comfortable life, and get married and buy a house too.

Law graduates are still working as a lowly apprentice in law firm, most management graduates have just failed on their first business plan, the arts graduate is still looking for a job, and the medical school graduate is still living in a hospital.

Unmatchable industriousness

An engineer boyfriend will dedicate an unimaginable amount of his time and effort to understand you. Engineers strain really really
hard to understand their work. You can believe that they will try really really hard to understand women too, just like how they understand their work, once they believe that you are the one. So even if they don't understand you initially, they will keep on trying. Even
if they still do not understand, they will figure out the correct method to keep you happy (e.g. buy diamond ring = 1 week's worth of
happiness.) And once they find out the secret formula, they will just keep on repeating it so that the desired results appear.

Unlike the Lawyer who will argue with you, the Management graduate who will try to control your spending, the Arts graduate who will 'change major', and the medical school graduate who will operate on you. And you know what,it's really so easy to make engineers believe that you are the 'one'.

Say that you like one of their projects and they will be hooked to you forever.-


Trust
An engineer boyfriend will never betray your trust. Let me first tell you what is wrong with the rest of the others - the lawyers will lie about everything, management graduates will cheat your money, the arts graduate will flirt, and you probably just look like another cadaver to the medical school graduate. Your engineer boyfriend is either too busy to have an affair, and even if he does, he is too dumb to lie to you about that.

Hence, an engineer is the most secure boyfriend that you will ever find - rich enough, will keep on trying to understand and please you, has no time for affairs, and too dumb to lie to u !!

May 12, 2008

Children in Church

A little boy was overheard praying:

"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed:

"And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

February 18, 2008

13 Differences between Women n' Men

1. NAMES:

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will
call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer
to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT:

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in
a $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have
anything smaller and none will actually admit they want the change
back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY:

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS:

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS:

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS:

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE:

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS:

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE:

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

10. DRESSING UP:

A woman will dress up to go 4 shopping, to water the plants, empty
the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and read the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL:

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING:

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods,
secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. FINAL THOUGHT:

Any married man should forget his mistakes.

There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

T-Shirts You'd Hate to See on Your Daughter's Boyfriend

"I like long walks on the beach...after anal."


Walks_on_the_beach_after_anal

"Virginity is for losers." Virginity_is_for_losers

"Ass. The other vagina." Ass

Practicle jokes

Don and the Mysterious Locked Suitcase

One time at church camp I had a roommate named Don who was very private and security-conscious. He always locked his suitcase and kept the key on a chain around his neck. Of course, this caused my fellow roommates and I to be even more determined to get in his suitcase.

Late one afternoon before dinner, he went to take a shower. We tried jimmying the lock to no avail. We eventually came up with the idea of taking the key chain from the hook in the little drying-off area outside the individual showers.

We raced back to the room with the key and unlocked the suitcase. We didn’t mess up anything or take anything, except to take out his camera. Stripped down to our underwear, we took pictures of each other with his camera, put the camera back in the suitcase, locked it up, the returned the key chain back to the hook. In Don’s thinking, nothing ever happened.

That fall we had a reunion, and Don thanked us for the extra pictures.

Punk-Rocker Surprise

My brother Dan went to the University of Michigan, just about an hour from my parent’s home. I was five hours away at Miami University in Ohio. I arranged to pick up Dan and surprise our parents. I also brought along some props to make it an even bigger surprise.

We got home and came into the house. I put on a multicolored punk-rock wig and some gold wraparound glasses. We came into the house, and Dan called out, “Hi, Mom, I’m home.”

My mom called out that she was back in her bedroom. Dan went back there, and I was a bit behind in the hallway. Dan said, “Hi, Mom, I just wanted to surprise you for the weekend.”

My mom said, “Oh, Dan, it’s so great to see you.”

“I brought a friend with me from my fraternity,” he said as I came in the room. “Mom, this is John.”

“Hi, John, it’s nice to meet you.”

It was then that I pulled off the sunglasses and wig to her total surprise. We all got a good laugh

February 4, 2008

Rediculous boating accidentss

Make sure you scroll right to the bottom of this blog for the answer!



Your'e not gonna make it! Brake, brake, BRAKE!!!

...I told you, you wouldn't make it!



This one is a style accident! The ultimate pikey boat. We aint payin no god darn taxes!



HEADS UP!!



Land ahoy!



It came out of nowhere officer!



Salmon swim upstream - not humans!



I think we took a wrong turn?



The boat actually saved this near death accident from happening!





So why and how could these have happened?.........

















The answer:

February 3, 2008

funny one

How To Deal With A Frustrating Situation

atching unsuspecting bystanders become victims of an elaborate practical joke, I love it! You've seen Candid Camera or The Jamie Kennedy Experiment. Some poor soul watches in horror as his car gets pushed off a cliff or arrives home from work to find a realtor closing a deal on his house. Hilarious stuff!

Interestingly, it's the victims' perspective on the bizarre situation – not the situation itself – that dictates how they approach it. Some see their predicament as weirdly amusing. These folks remain calm, attempt to get a grasp on exactly what's happening and concentrate on finding a solution. Other people, while dealing with the same situation, view it very differently. They choose to focus on their frustration, rant and rave and generally cope appallingly.

Do you think a victim is more likely to realize they're being pranked if they stay relaxed or freak out? When you face a problem, are you more likely to find a creative solution if you stay calm or get annoyed? Bottom line: The way you choose to look at a frustrating situation can either make it more manageable or impossible to handle.

A Systematic Approach

1. Proactively seek alternative viewpoints: Remember the importance of seeing the bigger picture. Acknowledge the possibility that accessing another angle on the situation might reveal a previously invisible solution. Seeking out alternative points of view will also damp-down feelings of frustration associated with your original perspective.

2. Don't act until you've identified three points of view: For example, next time you find yourself in conflict with a colleague, client or supplier, try this: Firstly, write a paragraph explaining the situation from your point of view. Secondly, write a paragraph from the viewpoint of the other person. Finally, write a paragraph from the perspective of an objective bystander. Actually writing down each viewpoint forces you to think and provides much greater clarity than merely pondering each perspective inside your own head.

3. Dispute each view: Argue with each of the three perspectives pretending, in each case, that you're actually disagreeing with another person. Most of us are much more practiced at arguing with other people than with ourselves. Why not leverage this natural ability?

Taking these three steps will dilute your feelings of frustration and provide additional information you can use to manage your predicament. Take time to see the bigger picture and let the joke be at someone else's expense!

January 28, 2008

Hummer Safety

Owners like to pretend that their Hummers are tough by running things over…



Wow, good job, your Hummer can run over a 30-year-old, broken-down car.



Is this really fair?

Deceleration is hard enough on the body without a bounce in the opposite direction.



Take note of how the much smaller truck in the background is in about the same shape.




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