November 15, 2008

Intelligent Design

HARRISBURG, Pa.-In what is sure to be the biggest courtroom clash since the last one, a class action suit had been filed in federal court against the Dover Area School Board for not allowing the teaching of Intelligent Design in school science classes. The twist? This time, it's the monkeys themselves bringing the suit.
In a startling and unprecedented move, several Bornean Orangutans from the Pittsburgh zoo have sued the school district, insisting that Intelligent Design not only be taught in science classes but the theory of evolution be stricken from textbooks
These Orangutans, or Pongo pygmaeus, are offended by the idea that they are related to people, and think Intelligent Design is the best alternative out there.
One of the plaintiffs, Cuddles, explained her position through a sign language interpreter: "That apes and humans descended from a common ancestor is just a disgusting thought. I'm appalled, frankly. I mean, look at you. Massive poverty, genocide, suffering, violence. Look how you treat your kind. People are horrible, horrible creatures."
She continued, "Have you seen some of the porn on your internet? I can't believe humans pee on each other. And don't get me started on the Tuesday night lineup on ABC. Only true barbarians would keep According to Jim on the air. That I'm related to people in any way should be rejected on face value, let alone be taught in science classes."
The details of the apes' replacement theory are still ambiguous. One version of Intelligent Design posits elements of nature are so complex that they must have been created by a higher force. Among some of the more controversial elements of the ape theory include the idea that this "intelligent designer" of the entire universe is actually a 50 foot tall super smart ape similar to King Kong.
Attorneys representing the school board have questioned the true motives of the apes. In a written statement, school board lawyers claimed the suit was just a cheap parlor trick to manipulate the public and avoid the fact that humans and apes are related through evolution.
But the primates remain undeterred. Bubba, another plaintiff in the suit, has similar thoughts- "Man did not come from apes. Gorillas, bonobos, chimpanzees, gibbons, we're all united. I mean, have you seen the contestants on American Idol? Ugh. You humans are just awful. Unlike evolution, Intelligent Design makes the case we're not associated with you at all!"
A U.S. Supreme Court ruling in 1987 decried schools could not require creationism to balance the teaching of evolution. This new lawsuit brought on by the apes may eventually make it up to the conservative justices recently appointed by president George W. Bush. As a result the ruling may be different.
Bush even weighed in on the teaching of the possibility that a super intelligent, furry orangutan created the universe. "I think that part of education is to expose people to different schools of thought," Bush said. "You're asking me whether or not people ought to be exposed to different ideas, the answer is yes."

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